How to Make Eyepatch and Rabbit Not Scary
by codename00guest
Summary: Touka and Kaneki argue over the phone. It gets ridiculous. Hide and the CCG cameo. That's literally all. EXPLICIT
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**

 **This is j** **ust weird. Kaneki might be a tad OOC, but this is Shiro form we're talking about so :| . If you want more to it say so in a review. Other than that, here goes.**

 **Also disclaimer I do not own Tokyo Ghoul**

* * *

"Okay. So you're looking for clothes, right?" Touka said into her phone.

"Yes," Kaneki responded from the other end.

"What aisle are you in?" Touka asked.

"I don't know," said Ken.

'Boys...' Touka thought. Aloud, she said, "What's in the aisle you're in now?"

"Soup," he told her.

"Okay, now what's in the next aisle?" she asked.

"More soup," Kaneki said.

"Wait, where are you?" Touka said sharply.

"Uhhhh... aisle ten? I think?" Kaneki said uncertainly.

"Arhhg! What's the store called, you dimwit?!" Touka yelled.

"Oh that? Soup Emporium." he answered.

"WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE BAKANEKI?!"

"Because I can. Why not? They're cheap." Ken told her with the barest hint of cheekiness in his voice.

"So what, you're wearing soup cans now? Apparently I didn't credit enough stupidity to your name." the dark-haired girl said.

"You actually know enough to come up with an insult like that? Wow, seems I didn't credit enough vocabulary skill to _your_ name." Kaneki shot back.

"You insulting my brain?" Touka asked.

"No, I'm insulting your vocabulary." Kaneki replied (from aisle ten of the Soup Emporium, where his white hair was garnering more than a few stares.)

"Oh I'll SHOW you vocabulary!" She proceeded to spit a few unsavory words into the phone.

"Oh really now?" Kaneki said after her tirade, sounding slightly amused.

"NOW I WANNA HEAR _YOUR_ VOCABULARY, YOU SHITTY LITTLE CENTIPEDE!"

"Turn on your Skype." He didn't sound very scared, Touka decided.

"Why should I- did you just hang up on me?!" Touka yelled at the phone. It just flashed an alert saying she had a Skype request. She growled and turned it on.

"Here-" Kaneki turned the camera to give her a panoramic view of the aisle- "is the soup store. Now where are the raincoats? I know they sell them here, and I know you know where they are. Now where are they?"

"I don't know from here, Grammar Nazi Asshole! Show me the rest of the store!"

"Starting from where, the bathrooms? You want to see the hive of scum and villainy known as the men's room?"

"I don't care! I live in a hive of scum and villainy, after all!"

"Not as bad as that!"

Touka opened her jagged-toothed mouth over the camera. "Smell my bad breath through the phone!" she yelled at him.

"Smell mine!" he yelled back.

"I can smell your bad breath from across the city!" she retorted.

"No you can't! Your breath just smells so bad , even you can smell it and you want to blame your stench on me!"

Never argue with a literature student, Touka decided.

"If I stank that much, Hide would've informed me of it by now!"

"No, Hide's too afraid of being dismembered to tell you. I, on the other hand, you can't dismember."

"You sayin' something about my strength?" Touka snapped.

"Well- there was about to be a _but-_ "

"YOU'RE A BUTT!"

"YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE THEN! IF I'M A BUTT, I'LL FART IN YOUR FACE!"

Awkward silence ensued over both ends of the phone line.

"Um." Touka broke the silence.

"I kinda want to fake fart now just for the heck of it..." Kaneki said quietly.

"You fake fart and I will murder your face."

* * *

Washuu managed to pause the tapped phone conversation. The entire council of the top-ranking CCG officers was doubled over the conference table in various states of laughter. Arima and Shinohara were actually leaning on each other with tears streaming down their faces. About five minutes later, conversation in the room resumed, allowing for quiet chuckles every now and again.

"So- these are our prime s-suspects for the g-ghouls Eyepatch and Rabbit?" Arima asked.

"Yes..." Shinohara said, collapsing into a giggling fit.

'This will be a long meeting...' Yoshitoki Washuu thought, chuckling to himself.


	2. Chapter 2

**So people said more pretty quickly. Yes, bangladesh3610, there will be more of the CCG meeting in this one. Hope you all like this as much as the first :)**

Now here's the story.

* * *

"Yes. These are the two we think may be Eyepatch and Rabbit. Before anybody asks, why _yes_ really, " Washuu confirmed Arima's question.

Another round of snickers followed this announcement. Apparently the CCG officers hadn't gotten over the comedic performance between the pair of suspects.

"Alright... so shall we continue studying the tape?"

Everyone nodded at Kuroiwa's suggestion. CCG meetings tended not to be this entertaining.

"Wait a minute... so, when Kirishima-san called him an artificial butt... did she mean she was going to rearrange his _face_ to look like a butt, or was that metaphorical?" the head scientist asked.

Awkward silence followed his question.

"Let's just watch more of the tape and find out," Arima told him.

* * *

"Okay. So start from the front of the store- NOT the men's room!- and film the aisles so I can figure out where the raincoats are relative to your position." Touka ordered Kaneki.

He walked out toward the front of the store. "Kay, I'm here..." he told her. He picked the phone up further, to show her the aisle markers hanging from the ceiling.

"You know, you owe me one for this, Ken."

"I'll bring you a souvenir from the Soup Emporium. Keychain, maybe? Or a raincoat?" Kaneki sassed her.

"Very funny." Touka answered.

Noise came from Touka's end of the phone.

"What? Is that Hide in your apartment?" Kaneki asked.

"Yes. He wants to be on the phone- hey! _Temee!"_ The last two words were muffled as Hide grabbed the phone.

"Hey! Can I get a souvenir too?" Hide asked.

"Uh, sure. What do you want?"

"They have this awesome soup in aisle thirteen, 's called Chocalatta Soup, and it's chocolate and latte, so go find it please?"

"Uh, sure, but chocolate and latte? Are you sure this stuff exists?" Kaneki said.

"Sure I'm sure! Aisle thirteen!"

"Gimme that! _Thank_ you. Now, YOU- Kaneki- go find this stuff for him, and then we can look for your slicker!" Touka bossed the pair around.

Kaneki walked to aisle thirteen. He held the phone up to the aisle marker. "This is it?"

"Yes!" Hide said happily.

"Okay, here goes." Kaneki walked into the aisle.

A few seconds later Kaneki said, "Touka? You won't believe this." He panned the camera to the shelf. There sat a can of soup, labeled 'Chocolatta Soup'.

"What?! It's a real thing?! This chocolate soup actually EXISTS?!"

"Chocolatta soup! Chocolatta soup! Chocolatta soup! Chocolatta soup!" Hide started chanting. He didn't stop, really, but it managed to fade into the background.

"I can't believe this is real..." Kaneki said quietly.

"Well grab a can or two to shut up the chanting maniac in my apartment!"

Kaneki picked one can, then asked, "Hide! You're getting the soup so will you shut up please?!"

"No!" Hide cheerfully threw in. He kept chanting, unfortunately for the ghouls listening. Shinohara thought this was hilarious.

"Alright then, you're in aisle thirteen... so go to the end and turn left..." Touka said, rubbing her temples.

Kaneki followed her instruction.

"Now go to the end..- turn LEFT, not right, you dolt!"

"Well how was I to know that? You never specified!" Kaneki snapped.

"I gestured left with my head! You didn't look at the screen!" Touka yelled.

"That was supposed to be gesturing? Raising your left eyebrow? Which, by the way, is to my _right_?" Kaneki said dryly.

"Yes! You're supposed to be the resident genius! Not me!"

"Seriously? They should analyze your brain when they do your autopsy! Find out just what makes people stupid! Really, who calls raising an eyebrow a 'move that way' gesture?!"

* * *

This time, Arima paused the recording. He was kind of bored, really, and thought the guy singing was annoying.

"Alright! So who is this third guy suspected to be?" Arima barked.

"I don't know, we're not investigating him. Actually, the way he was singing about soup, I say he's human. Did you have to pause the video?" Washuu told him.

"Did anybody else notice Touka barely raised her eyebrow? He- she called him Kaneki, right? Or something like that?" Shinohara asked.

"I think you're just remembering names from the investigation report, but yeah. What about him?" Kuroiwa said.

"Well, she doesn't give him enough credit. I know I didn't see her raise her eyebrow. Did you guys?" Shinohara finished.

'Do I know the soup guy from someplace?' Arima thought.

"Come to think of it, no, I _didn't_ see her raise her eyebrow," Washuu said.

"Yes... rewind to the beginning of the eyebrow incident, will you?- Arima? Are you listening?" Kuroiwa asked.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm listening," Arima said, messing around with the projector.

* * *

Arima replayed the clip. He thought she did raise her eyebrow, but he couldn't be sure. It was kind of an odd way to gesture, he supposed.

"Okay, did anyone see if she raised her eyebrows?" Washuu asked. A series of 'no's' and 'maybe's' rippled around the circle, the chain broken by only one 'yes'.

'How much longer will we be seeing this clip? And since when am I the tech guy?' Arima thought.

"Okay, Arima? Play it again, and zoom in on Kirishima's face this time. I want to know how Kaneki caught it on first sight. This is definitely suspicious."

'You just thought that was hilariously funny. Shit. I'm the unofficial techie now. Aren't I?'

* * *

After watching this for the third time, most of the first-class investigators agreed she had indeed raised her eyebrow, and those that didn't see it couldn't say she hadn't.

'Well finally. At least we won't be sitting here watching five seconds of idiocy all day like the Athena case! And the Owl one too, which was essentially pointless because that one turned out to be a political framing.' Arima thought. He decided that not saying anything would be in his best interests, as everything he had to say was insulting, the curse words that flashed through his head on a minutely basis, and/or likely to get him fired.

"Play the rest now, Arima." Washuu ordered.

'Fuck you,' Arima thought.

* * *

"Fine! Okay! I'm going left already!" Kaneki snapped at Touka.

"You better be!" Touka yelled back.

"Why? You can punch through a phone? Hah! Good luck!" Kaneki retorted.

"Insult contest! You lose, you owe me twice! You win, and I'll let you off without paying for my help! Deal?" Touka told him, annoyed.

"Deal! You're wearing cheese underpants up rat alley, she-pig! She-warthog, that is!" Kaneki said.

"Tame bastard lab-rat!"

"Violent mama ogre!"

* * *

'Now we get to the good part,' Arima thought. 'Why does she keep making experiment jibes at him?'


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry, the crow queen, if Chocolatta Soup exists, I haven't heard of it. It's just improv, like most of this story. Glad you liked it though, my little sister wants to come up with a recipe. It** ** _does_** **sound good actually... :) Anyways, did anybody catch the** ** _Star Wars_** **reference in Chapter 1? Chapter 3 summary: yo mama insults, and everybody's new favorite goofballs almost murder Arima...**

* * *

'Shit, he's better than I thought...' Touka thought. "Sleeping kitty! Why are you still talking? Nobody listens!"

"Well then apparently everyone in aisle four is named nobody! Where do I go from here, noisy parrot?" Kaneki shot back.

"Upstairs, aisle forty! 'S on floor three, cowardly bunny!" Touka yelled.

"Alright! I wish I had a knife as sharp as your tongue, I'd cut inch-thick steel with it!"

"Yo auntie so ugly, she turned Medusa to stone!" Touka thought she was smart to remember the story about Medusa.

"Yo auntie so fat, she drags down the elevator!"

"Yo auntie a bitch!" Touka said.

"Yes she is! Yo auntie so bad at fashion, her clothes are more tasteless than Tsukiyama's!" Kaneki told her.

"My imaginary friend has better insults than you!" Touka announced.

"Then take a few of her suggestions, Touka!"

"My imaginary friend was a dude! And I lost touch with him years ago!"

"If you still have an imaginary friend, I'll be very disturbed, Gummy Bear!"

"You made me miss one, bastard! I mean, radioactive lab rat of a grammar nazi asshole!" Touka snapped.

"Oh yeah? As I recall, this is a no-holds-barred contest of wit, Bunny Rabbit!" Kaneki reminded her.

"I know, hairy eyeball!"

"Then that's allowed! You fight like a whale washed up on a beach, by the way!"

"Are you ever speechless, chattery monkey? _You_ fight like a clumsy teddy bear!" Touka told him.

"Your hair looks like it came out of an anime author's brain!" Kaneki said.

"So does yours, Calamity JANE!" Touka said.

"You callin' me a girl, Volcano Goddess?" Kaneki asked.

"Yeah! And a bandit to boot!" Touka snapped.

"Okay then, I'm your mother, Froggie Princess!" Kaneki said.

"You're my _mother?!"_ Touka shrieked.

"If I'm your mother, you're in trouble, young lady! So let's all be very, very grateful I am NOT yo mama! And don't go calling me a girl, Batso!" Kaneki yelled into the phone.

"Your brain is as strong as the South Pole is hot in July! And you'll die in the end, Kenny!"

* * *

The videotape was paused at this point by Washuu. Most of the council members were busting their guts, leaning on the table, each other, or chairs. Arima was lying still on the floor.

"What happened to Arima, Inspector Washuu?" Kuroiwa asked.

"I think he passed out from lack of air. He was laughing incredibly hard at the insult competition. Should we stop for a break until he wakes up?" Washuu asked.

"It'd be rude not to. Plus, I'm pretty sure we all need a break by now." Shinohara said.

* * *

 **So another chapter. This one's kinda short... And I couldn't resist the South Park reference. It perfectly fits Tokyo Ghoul. Too perfectly. And yet somehow I've never seen it in a TG fanfic... ah well. Who do you think will win the insult contest?**

 **Also little side note: Kaneki knows the difference between anime and manga. He simply slipped up in the heat of the moment.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry, Xiao Wie Xiao, whatevever you guessed was a Code Ment reference wasn't one. This is based on the buying-clothes-at-the-soup-store meme. I actually haven't heard of Code Ment, so I guess the meme could've come from that? Might have to check it out. So here's chapter four. It's taken a bit longer than the others. Comedy is actually pretty hard to write :| . Anyways hope you like this one as much as the last three. (That Touka-I-am-your-mother scene though XD I laughed writing that one!) So here it is, chapter four, in which the CCG have a few minutes' break... but only until Arima wakes up, after which point they have to listen to more insult-slinging and allusions to previous arguments.**

* * *

Shinohara and Kuroiwa were now eating potato chips. Most of the top-ranking CCG officers were, the major exceptions being Arima, who was still out cold from laughing too hard, and Washuu, who was busy trying to wake him up. Someone had brought in snacks, and everyone who's had to deal with men for a long time will tell you that if you leave out food they'll go eat it.

"WAKE UP ALREADY!" came Washuu's voice from the other room. That was somewhat disturbing. Had ghouls finally killed Arima, though the murder weapon was laughter rather than kagune? Was it even possible to die of laughter?

"Who brought in these potato chips? They're incredible." Kuroiwa asked.

"I'm not sure. Actually, I don't know who set up the snacks," Shinohara told him.

* * *

Thirty minutes later, after wandering off, Kuroiwa came back.

"Uh, Shinohara? Nobody seems to know who got the snacks set up. You think this should be disturbing?" Kuroiwa asked.

"Mm. Well, I guess we'll all know whether it was poisoned, won't we? I mean, we all ate some." Shinohara responded.

Just then Juuzou walked in. He made a beeline for the snack table. When he started walking to Shinohara, he had a plate full of snacks and was stuffing his face. If it was poisoned, Suzuya was going down too. This could become a major problem if the food actually _was_ poisoned...

"Hiiee! What's been going on while I wasn't here, Shinohara?" Juuzou asked.

"Well, we've been studying a videotape from a phone tap. It's quite funny, actually. We suspect they are the ghouls Rabbit and Eyepatch, but if they are they don't get along in day-to-day life as well as they do in battle and it is hilariously funny. In other words, even if this turns out to be a false tip, we'll always think of Rabbit as being the Violent Mama Ogre and Eyepatch as the Grammar Nazi. There's more to the grammar nazi insult but it's not said in a workplace."

"Can I join you? I wanna see it too!" Juuzou cried.

"Well... you'd have to ask Washuu... but it really shouldn't be a problem," Shinohara told him.

"Where's Washuu?" Juuzou asked.

"In the meeting room, trying to wake Arima." Kuroiwa told Juuzou. Juuzou happily skipped toward the conference room.

* * *

In the meeting room, Juuzou found Washuu having trouble with Arima. To be specific, Washuu was walking back and forth between Arima and the water dispenser, pouring freezing water on Arima's face. Juuzou noted Washuu's annoyed posture and the large puddle around Arima's face, from which he concluded Washuu had been trying to wake Arima with the water trick for a while now. Juuzou guessed correctly.

"Hi Washuu-sama- can I join the meeting and watch the silly video?" Juuzou almost sang.

"You wake Arima, and you can sit in the conference," Washuu said. "But you better not cause lasting damage with it, Suzuya."

"Okay, I will," Juuzou said.

Juuzou proceeded to search up the opening to _The Lion King_ on YouTube. He turned the volume up as far as it would go, held his phone next to Arima's ear, and hit _play_ just as he dealt out a nasty low-blow. That did the trick, all right. Arima barely restrained himself from a flurry of cuss words at the rude awakening.

"C'mon- we need to finish that video!" Juuzou sang.

'I'm gonna murder your face you bastard ghoul-raised living voodoo doll acrobat!' Arima thought. He might have said it had Washuu not been in the room. Suzuya wouldn't take offense, and even if he did Arima could take him. They had sparred before. The results weren't pretty, and for once Arima had been given a run for his money, but he had beaten the little squirrel. Eventually. Arima didn't know Suzuya would be able to beat him around so many office supplies. Washuu's presence probably saved Arima's life.

"Patience, Juuzou, " Washuu said. "We took a break while you were unconscious, Kishou. Go to the bathroom, get a snack, and then we'll resume the meeting."

* * *

About fifteen minutes later, the CCG meeting was back in session. Arima was now giving Juuzou the stink eye- not that Juuzou noticed. Suzuya was too busy looking at the projector screen.

"Alright! We have had a break, but now it is time to get back to work, men! We are to decide whether there are reasonable grounds to suspect the pair in this video are ghouls! We may be hunted for tapping this video, we may be hounded by the press if it is revealed we are hot on the tails of two powerful ghouls, and we may laugh to death as brave Arima almost did! We will not be deterred from our mission! Start the video, Arima!" As always, there was a little bit of eye-rolling at Marude's speech, but Arima almost snickered at the 'laugh- to-death' clause. 'Control yourself! You better not be getting giddy, Arima Kishou!' Arima thought.

"Where were we in the video? I didn't look before I passed out."

There were a few quiet groans at this.

"It was about ten minutes and thirty seconds, wasn't it?" Kuroiwa asked no one in particular.

"Yes, I think you're right, that's where we were," Shinohara said.

"I wouldn't know, I wasn't there," Juuzou said.

"Who invited him?" someone asked.

"Me," Juuzou replied.

Meanwhile, Arima had been fiddling with the projector. He was cursing fit to make a sailor stare within the confines of his brain. In four different languages, no less. Eventually, maybe ten minutes later, he had the annoying machine up and running. The sheer idiotic randomness called the CCG's latest wiretap started where it had been cut off.

* * *

"You fat meat market!" Kaneki picked up.

"You skinny old lady!" Touka yelled right back.

"Oh, so now I'm your grandma as well? Your family is seriously messed up!"

"YOU FAT DIRT!" Touka seemed to be running low on insults.

"Jeez, you two really have no clue what the words 'peaceful coexistence' mean, do you?" Hide commented.

They basically just ignored him.

"You skinny rat!" Touka wasn't the only one running low on insults, apparently.

"You squeaky-clean fly!"

"This squeaky-clean fly can't find the raincoats by following your directions, Ogre-brain!"

"How can you not see them, you idiot! They're literally right in front of you if you followed my instructions!"

"I followed your instructions to the details and look-" he held the phone and gave a good view of the aisle- "-they're not here! So enlighten the guy you crowned King of the Idiots yesterday!"

* * *

Juuzou found the fact that she'd crowned him King of the Idiots hilarious. So did Arima. Both of them started giggling.

* * *

"Why you think you bossin' me around, Idiot King?" Touka demanded.

"If I'm King of the Idiots, you're one of my subjects. That's why." Kaneki told her.

"Fine. Go to the end of the aisle- OTHER way, King Idiot!- now turn left. There." Touka said.

"Finally," Kaneki said. "I was starting to think you were trying to get me lost in the store."

"I was," Touka said. "You could get lost standing still in the middle of a gymnasium."

"Always so flattering, Touka-chan," Kaneki said dryly.

"Do I need to send Hide to bring you home?" Touka asked smugly.

"I sure hope not! Hide actually _did_ get lost in the gym once!"

"Was it necessary to tell my crush that?!" Hide said idignantly.

"I did you a favor, now she won't beat the heck out of you for asking to be her boyfriend," Kaneki told him.

"Now I'll never have a chance to see if she will beat my teeth out my nose for asking," Hide whined.

"Don't worry, I would," Touka said.

* * *

 **Author's Note**

 **It's been a few days since I updated this story, so here it is, possibly the longest chapter I've written. Also has the most CCG humor, so tell me what you guys think. Unfortunately this fic will probably end soon, the phone chat wouldn't be super long 'cause neither of them really like long heart-to-heart talks and Kaneki's phone would run out of battery [Touka's is plugged in] :(**

 **But hey, I might throw in a battle scene where, I don't know, Shinohara or somebody comes across the two of them in battle, thinks of this conversation, says something about it that they overhear and it's like 'oh crap they know about that conversation'- because this whole thing would be seriously embarrassing to either one of them.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note**

 **No offense to your suggestion, The crow queen, but I hate :re. And I mean hate. If Kaneki actually remembered everything and was taking the opportunity to work as a spy, I'd be cool with it, but naturally that couldn't happen... anyway. So no, Sasaki Haise will never see this. Quinx might, though. I don't hate them, just the general concept of their part of the series. Actually, Quinx seeing this is a good idea...**

 _ **Maybe this one won't end as quickly as I'd thought it would : D**_

 **Sorry for the delay, folks. I had some horrid writer's block. If I write up an epilogue with the Quinckes, it's probably gonna be awhile coming.**

* * *

"Of course you would, you have a scary reputation to maintain..." Hide muttered.

"Okay now, King of the Idiots. You buy that raincoat, but you don't win this contest, rotten shish-kebab!" Touka snapped into the phone.

"You think so? I'll SHOW you how to win a contest, soy sauce!" Kaneki yelled into his end.

"Uh-huh I don't think so, knowledge geek!" Touka sassed.

"I count knowledge geek a compliment, Queen Candy!" Kaneki said smugly.

"I count your face an insult to humanity, Piratey Lab Rat!"

"You count all of Tokyo an insult to humanity, Jalapeño!"

"I sure do! Now, are you moving, or are you gonna stand there like a stunned prairie dog and yell at me all day, raisin?!" Again with the lame insults, Touka. Your game is slipping, sister.

"I look like a stunned prairie dog? You need to get your eyes checked, useless screwdriver." So do you, Kaneki. He ignored the narrator, of course- he couldn't hear me- but he did start moving.

* * *

"Is this almost over so we can watch it again? Preferably _without_ Kishou and Juuzou?" Washuu asked, pausing the tape. Arima and Juuzou were finding the entire insult contest hilarious and laughing very loudly. The other high-ups also thought this was hilarious and were laughing, a bit more quietly than Arima and Juuzou. They could see where Washuu was coming from, though, as it was getting hard to hear the video.

Arima was insulted. 'Who the fuck you think you are?! I'm staying, bitch!' Arima thought. Thankfully, he didn't say it.

'Get me outta here? I'd like to see you try, that would be just as hilarious as watching Eyepatch and Rabbit sass each other off," Juuzou thought. The rest of what Juuzou thought was too gory to put in a lighthearted comedy, [cough lazy author not wanting to throw off the story vibe too cough] though his envisionment of what a fight between Yoshitoki Washuu and Juuzou Suzuya would look like might have made a black comedy.

* * *

"So how _do_ we decide who won the insult contest?" Touka asked.

"I don't know. We're the only people besides Hide who heard the entire thing, and obviously we're both gonna vote for ourselves, so that's about as helpful as a sledgehammer without a handle." Ken replied.

"A sledgehammer without a handle? Seriously?" Touka deadpanned.

"Hey, it's pretty useless, you know." Kaneki defended.

"Whatever. Hide, who do you think won?" Touka asked.

"Uhhhh..." Hide said. He had to admit, both had made some funny ones.

* * *

 **And scene. Sorry it's so short. Honestly, I don't know who should win. Take a vote in the reviews- whoever wins the insult poll wins the insult contest. But I need reviews, so the next chapter doesn't come until I have a winner. Hear from y'alls in the reviews!**

 **And I have no idea why none of CCG has recognized Hide yet.**


	6. Chapter 6

"Ummm, I think Kaneki won," Hide said.

"You're biased!" Touka yelled. "We need someone who isn't biased!"

"No one else knows about this conversation!" Kaneki reminded her. "Now accept it!"

"I'll figure out something! Now get your ass over here and let me see the raincoats!" she spat.

"Why do you wanna see the raincoat?" Kaneki asked her.

"Because I had to tell you where to find them, dammit!" Touka yelled. "That and your head is so full of nikujaga you've probably picked one that's puke yellow!"

"You're the one who actually eats nikujaga! That stuff is so disgusting!" he hissed.

"It is indeed, but at least I'm brave enough to eat it, you pinhead!"

"The insult contest is over, or did you not hear, galla?" Kaneki said.

"Guy-yah? What kind of a word is _that?"_ Touka said. "Sounds like something you just made up."

"The Spanish word for _cooked chicken,_ you fat dirt!"

"So I'm not only a chicken but a cooked chicken. You've finally figured out how to make an insult! I'm such a proud teacher!" Touka crooned.

"Oh, I know how to make an insult. I just don't want to school anyone. Like you, for example." Kaneki half-deadpanned.

* * *

"Alright. Arima, pause the video." Washuu said.

 _I still wanna know when I got hired to be the tech guy._

"I think the comments about nikujaga are lining up with the theory the two are ghouls. Anyone else want to comment?" Washuu asked.

"Pretty good odds they are- what's the likelihood of two friends both hating nikujaga?" Arima said, hoping he didn't look like he was anything other than cool and collected. Arima didn't know it, but he succeeded.

"Better than the odds of all three of them hating nikujaga. I think we have proof by now that at least the arguers are ghouls. The question is, what do you think of the blondie?" Kurosawa asked.

"Not sure. If he's a ghoul, then it would be surprising if he isn't a deadly one and hasn't joined the two in incidents around the twentieth ward. If he's human, then why is he still alive, and does he know what his friends are?" Shinohara asked.

"I agree with Shinohara. SS is a rating that signifies an investigator-killer. Ghouls with ratings that high tend to hang out with more powerful ghouls- H rate and above- so we should've heard of a blonde ghoul by now working as an ally of Rabbit and Eyepatch. But a human would be dead within seconds trapped by those two, so while I believe they are ghouls, I don't think they're the ghouls we're looking for. What do you guys think?" Marude suggested.

"I don't know. Maybe the two ghouls are toying with him, letting him live without knowing exactly what they are, or maybe he does know that they are ghouls- simply not which ghouls they are." the head of the research department said.

"Is there any more of this video, Arima-sama?" Juuzou asked. Everyone turned to stare at him. He simply watched Arima expectantly. Arima sighed under his breath, wondering why he had to work with a guy a slug would call _idiot._ Arima almost smiled as he checked the projector- the ghouls' insult contest was wearing off on him, and result was going to be hilarious. In fact, he'd have to check the internet to see if galla actually meant cooked chicken in Spanish.

"About ten seconds. I don't think anything much happened in those ten seconds." Arima told him.

* * *

 **And here's the anticlimactic ending. I might do a last chapter about the fight, and have Kuroiwa or somebody reference the video, and I might also do a sequel in which Quinx minus Sasaki sees the video, but don't expect them on any kind of schedule.**

 **Galla doesn't mean cooked chicken, by the way. I never said Kaneki speaks Spanish. Galla can mean 'bird' or 'girl', I'm assuming like 'chick' is American slang for girl.**


	7. The Sequel, aka One Daily Dose of Stupid

**A** **uthor's Note**

 **Weel** **ll, it's been awhile but I promised you all a sequel with the Quinx so here it is amigos! Ah well... I have no clue what I'm doing, but hey, the best humor is unplanned. So more of the Crack universe! Yeahhhhhh! (Cue insanity) A few ground rules- Quinx isn't Quinx here. They're just Mado Squad, because there's no Haise Sasaki, even though Ishida eventually won me over on :re as a whole. Other than that, Quinx IS Quinx- Urie, Shirazu, Mutsuki, Saiko- and they are just as unruly, earning them some haters. Kaneki is with the Anteiku group. Hide is also with Anteiku. Shironeki is ... mmm ... different. I don't know the right word for this Shironeki yet, I really don't. Sassy comes close, though. The reason CCG is even bothering to tap their phones is that in this AU Kaneki earned an SS rating for the kakuja incident in Kanou's lab- Shinohara made sure of that.**

 **Side note: Throning means "sitting as though on a throne". It is a word made up by the fanfiction author misscam for the use of the world at large. Her story The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth- where the word throning was first mentioned- is incredibly funny and worth checking out if one likes humor. I will say it's a little bit funnier if you're into LotR, but even if you're not a Lord of the Rings fan it's still quite entertaining.**

 **Another side note: This last chapter has more than doubled the length of this story.**

 **ooookeyyyyy I have reviews to answer.** **Here are the answers you're looking for.**

 **HiddenOne15: I'm glad you found it hilarious :) Hope you didn't get in too much trouble with your parents for going to detention. Weeell by now you know that Sasaki Haise isn't the Quinx mentor in this fic but I hope you still find the sequel as funny as the main story.**

 **Winddemon199 and IfAPersonCouldFly: thank you for all the reviews! Goodness there are so many I can't reply to them all... and IfAPersonCouldFly, it's cool to like nikujaga. That wasn't an 'I-dislike-nikujaga' type of thing, it was just this kinda 'Can you believe the monster police?' Winddemon199, I have no idea if anyone's ever passed out from laught** **er. Though if they have, I'll have a field day thinking of this fic.**

 **Now here's the story you've been looking for.**

The Mado Squad had half an afternoon left on duty and no work left to do.

"Can't we just say we finished early and leeaaavvvvve?" Saiko whined.

"No, Yonebayshi. We still have two hours left." Akira Mado said, her clipped voice like honed stone. She would tolerate no more of Saiko's argument. Seemingly sensing this, Saiko stood up, grabbed a Sharpie off Akira's desk, and joined Shirazu doodling on the window. Urie glanced over, did a double take when he noticed the window, and with raised eyebrows he returned to studying the Torso case file. Mutsuki paced back and forth, back and forth, and no one could take him seriously because his shoes had been painted on with bright and sprightly finger paint. Also because he'd stepped in green Kool-Aid five times that morning, which made his shoes squeak like some carnival attraction.

Mutsuki's squeaking shoes attracted the attention of Shimoguchi, whom Akira heard coming and quickly powered up her computer to appear as though she had actually been working rather than simply trying to fall asleep at her desk. She clicked into a random file and stared at the screen, which now had something random about how a civilian had driven off a ghoul by spraying a power washer into its face. She raised an eyebrow and continued reading as Shimoguchi walked past, peering in her door.

Shirazu and Saiko had, thankfully, closed the curtains just before Shimoguchi had walked in with the intention of playing with them. However, neither Shirazu nor Saiko reopened it, as they noticed Shimoguchi in time.

"Oy, Mado. Slacking off, are you?" Shimoguchi asked.

"Slacking off?" Mado said, turning in her chair with an imperious air. "And what does one call walking past in order to criticize their coworkers, hm?"

"Ensuring that said coworkers are doing their jobs as they should, Mado," Shimoguchi said. "Seeing as there is loud and repulsive squealing coming from your room."

"Mutsuki, that means you, stop pacing," Urie said apathetically. He continued to read over the case file.

"Leave my office," Akira said, throning in her desk chair.

"Alright, Mado," Shimoguchi said with a snake smile. He left. Mado crossed her arms and put her head down to catch some z's. Saiko and Shirazu sighed in relief, whispered "Jinx!", and started playing with the curtains.

Juuzou watched the Serpent ghoul flee the battleground and raced after it. He darted around corners, flew through back alleys, ignoring the fading protests of Hanbee. He switched on Suzuya's Jason... and missed the Serpent. _Huh?_

 _Oh._

Serpent stood atop a building, disappearing into the lazy afternoon sky. In his place on the ground stood White Rabbit- Suzuya backed around the corner out of her onslaught of ukaku rounds -and peered around. Crouching a little behind her in the shadows was Eyepatch. _Ah, so that's why Serpent got up so quickly._

Suzuya rushed them, zigzagging out of White Rabbit's volley and over one of Eyepatch's kagune. Something suddenly clicked in Juuzou's mind, and he laughed as he slashed for one of Eyepatch's kagune. He laughed more as the ghoul tried to counter by swiping at Jason with its other kagune, and Juuzou used the tangled kagune to throw the ghoul back, yelling, "Rabbit was right to crown you King of the Idiots!"

 _"What?!"_ two now-outraged ghouls yelled.

"Jinx!" Juuzou called. The ghouls started giving him hell.

Mutsuki paced again after Shimoguchi left the room. And after he closed the door, of course. He stared at his shoes, trying to figure out who'd painted them. Shirazu was the most likely suspect, but he couldn't paint well enough to have made the brilliant zentangle designs. Urie could make the design, but he was too dignified- look, even now as he reread the case file he was throning! Mutsuki had no idea why Saiko would do such a thing, or even if she could. She certainly wouldn't have had enough energy.

Mutsuki glanced over to see Saiko and Shirazu rolling the curtains down. Mutsuki paused long enough to watch them raise it, and his mouth dropped open at the sight of the window.

"Heyyyyy," Saiko said.

After a few seconds, she added, "Muu-chan, you're supposed to say 'Hey' back,"

"Hey," Mutsuki gasped, staring at the window.

"Let's ask Mado if we can look up old case evidence," Saiko continued.

"You do that," Mutsuki said distantly, reevaluating Saiko's capability and desire to paint his shoes.

After valiantly trying to beat up Suzuya and equally valiantly running away when they found the only thing they could do to him was give him hell for a fight, Kaneki and Touka stood above :re arguing over how Suzuya knew Kaneki was King of the Idiots.

"I don't walk around calling myself King of the Idiots! You must have told him!" Kaneki yelled.

"I did NOT you asshole! I'm telling you, they must know it from somewhere else!" Touka shot back.

"No they- shh, I think someone's coming on the street," Kaneki said. The two ghouls walked toward the edge of the roof and settled down on their bellies side-by-side, peering over the edge at Juuzou and Hanbee.

"Sooo... you're saying... you saw a video of these ghouls two years ago?" Hanbee said. Kaneki and Touka were shocked by Hanbee's long hair.

"Yes!" Juuzou replied happily.

"From a tapped phone conversation?" Hanbee continued.

"Yes!" Juuzou chirped.

"And you riled them up with an insult you heard from this conversation?"

"Geez, _yes!_ I already told you!"

"... after we catch them you need to show me this wiretap."

The two investigators went on their way. The two ghouls looked at each other. Kaneki half cringed and looked down- _I'm sorry._ Touka blew out a breath and glared out at the street. _An honest mistake, I guess._ Touka and Kaneki looked deep into each others' eyes, and in tandem they said, "We have a seek and destroy mission."

Saiko and Shirazu had stopped playing with the curtains and swapped places with Akira, so Akira was asleep on the couch while all the Quinx except Urie were looking through old CCG files for interesting things.

"Why can't we just look up videogames on the Internet? Mado's sleeping," Saiko whined from her place at the side of the desk.

"Yeah, videogames would be more interesting than this. This is all death, death, and more death with a side of guts." Shirazu said, sinking back into the chair.

"No, guys! Someone would check Mado's browser history- Shimoguchi, for example- and they'll see the game site and report it, and Mado will hear, and she will be _extremely_ displeased," Mutsuki argued from Shirazu's other side.

"Fine, you're right," Saiko sighed.

Shirazu reached in front of Saiko and tapped on a random file. It came up in two parts- the first a text messaging file, the second a video file.

"Hey, is this a log of Arima and Akira corresponding?" Mutsuki asked apprehensively.

"Yes it is," grinned Shirazu.

"Let's open it," said Saiko.

Kaneki and Touka ran along Tokyo's rooftops toward the first ward CCG office. They still wore their criminal getup- camouflage sweatpants, dark grey hoodies modified to accomodate kagune, ghoul masks, boots.

When they reached the building beside the CCG's twentieth ward branch office, they immediately began arguing over how to get inside and find the files.

"Should we get in through the air vents?" Touka asked.

"Air vents? They're too loud. We could, I guess, but they'd be difficult," Ken replied.

"Oh? You have a better idea?" Touka asked.

"Windows maybe?" Kaneki shrugged.

"How we gonna manage that?"

"We could see if there's an open one first," Kaneki explained, "and if there isn't, we can figure something out from there."

"This is no better than the HVAC idea," Touka deadpanned.

"True, but it's less noisy," Kaneki argued.

"You look for an open window, and I'll look for an air vent, and we'll meet back here in thirty minutes," Touka told him.

"Okay," Kaneki said.

"ooohhhhh..." Saiko and Shirazu chorused.

"Shush," Urie ordered.

"Yes, please, shut up! I think someone's coming," Mutsuki said, glancing around furtively.

"Oh come on," Saiko told him. "Now you're just being paranoid."

Shirazu clicked the mouse to keep the computer from going to sleep. "C'mon guys! We have this," he said.

Akira

[No, chicken! Ducking autocucumber!]

[Ah. That sounded purely cannibalistic. What's an autocucumber, Akira? And how does it duck?]

[I was trying to flip the bird at autocucumber.

Autocucumber

Autocucumber

Autocorrect]

[oh ok.]

[See you at 5 then.]

[See you.]

[Turn on your Skype?]

This comprised the last of that first text message between Arima and Akira. Saiko and Shirazu were ecstatically laughing. Mutsuki was nervously glancing at the closed door, but dared not open it to check for innocent passersby for fear of said laughter being audible. Urie calmly and primly turned the page of his report. Akira snored. Arima wondered why the sound of near-maniacal laughter was coming from Mado's room and decided to do his job and investigate.

Circling the building, Kaneki found no open windows. He did, however, find a window with garish fingerpaint smeared on it, which he took a picture of on his cellphone to show to Touka.

When the designated time arrived, the ghouls met up on the rooftop to compare mental notes.

"Did you find any good windows?" Touka asked.

"Depends on what you mean by 'good'. I didn't find any open windows, if that's what you're asking." Kaneki told her.

"Damn it. We'll have to think up another way in. The HVAC isn't an option." Touka said.

"That's unfortunate. If the windows fail and the vents fail, how to get into the enemy fortress?"

As it happened, the answer to Kaneki's question was 'you walk in the back door'. Sidling past the back entrance, they found themselves confronted by- oddly -no cameras.

"I don't like this," Touka said. "Where's all the security? What have they done with the cameras and the guards?"

"Sh, they'll hear us. That's a good question though..." Kaneki said.

"Let's see. I don't suppose CCG'd put up maps for uninvited ghoulish guests wanting to destroy all evidence that ghouls goof off, would they?"

"No, of course not," Kaneki assured her.

 _What is going on in there?_ Arima wondered. So he did the only logical thing to find out.

He opened the door.

Inside the room, Arima found two of Mado Squad seated at the computer, laughing their asses off. The other three were hanging around the room. Mutsuki paced, Urie sat throning as he imperiously studied his report, and Akira Mado herself lay stretched out napping on the couch.

Mutsuki froze. Urie raised an eyebrow. Akira drooled. Saiko and Shirazu sat at the computer sounding vaguely reminescent of hyenas.

Arima asked, "What exactly is happening?"

"Ah- uhm- Arima, sir! We finished our work and so we're doing things until we can go home for the day!" Mutsuki's fumbled reply rushed out.

"I see," Arima said, mind going through possibilities as Saiko and Shirazu finally seemed to notice Arima's presence. Noting what was on the computer screen- and the fact that the squad had at least the decency to appear guilty -Arima decided they needed something to focus on. Fortunately, he knew exactly the thing to get his ends accomplished. "Come with me, I know the perfect wiretap for you..."

Kaneki and Touka snuck together through the CCG building. They knew enough about horror movies and novels not to split up and common sense told them to be quiet.

"Hey, Touka," Ken said, noticing something. "Look at these. There's enough doves manning this outpost that if they see one they don't recognize they won't instantly be suspicious, right?"

"Yeah, I think so," she replied. "Should we do it, then?"

"Wouldn't kill us to try- hopefully," he shrugged.

"Hopefully is the operative word there," Touka pointed out.

"True. Still- less suspicious than walking around a CCG building in ghoul masks." Ken said.

"Point taken," Touka nodded.

Arima led three of the miscreants called Mado Squad toward the evidence room. Arima was having some difficulty deciding what tapes to play. He knew what he'd been planning- but he now knew what he'd been planning was nowhere near enough to handle them.

Once there, Arima still hadn't quite decided what to put on. _Perhaps an educating course...?_

"No! Muu-chan, you're gonna get the plug in. Shiragin, you can be in charge of the projector." Saiko said.

"Why do I have to be the tech guy?!" Shirazu whined.

 _Ah, yes. THAT tape._

Arima now knew _exactly_ what he should play.

Kaneki and Touka walked through the CCG building wearing gray trench coats far too large for them over their clothes, masks hidden in the coats' deep pockets.

"Where are we supposed to go? We still don't have a map," Touka said.

"Oh suck it up," Ken said. "There's a dove right over there."

"So what, you're just gonna go ask him?" Touka said.

She watched as Kaneki walked right up to him.

"Ah, excuse me, sir? Where is the evidence room?" Kaneki asked.

"It's upstairs, back in the corner. Go up those stairs right there, the evidence room's the last one on the left." Shimoguchi replied.

"Thank you very much," Kaneki said, bowing low.

The officer paid Ken no more attention as Ken turned and went back over to Touka.

"There, see? Asking for directions isn't that hard," Ken told Touka.

In Mado's office, Urie yawned, stretching in his chair. Mado was still sleeping on the couch, but he decided it couldn't hurt to open the curtains.

 _Ugh, Mutsuki's shoes left so much paint on the floor..._ Urie thought. He cleaned it off with some paper towels. Then Urie opened the curtains.

Urie's eyes grew wide and his mouth went slack in horror as he stared at the foul masterpiece on the window.

Arima quickly found the piece he was looking for and returned to the room where he'd left the Mado Squad.

Just after Arima had left, Kaneki and Touka walked into the evidence room.

"Oh, wonderful," Kaneki said. "We have a lot to slog through."

"Yup," Touka agreed. "I wonder how they organize this place."

"Me too," Ken said.

They set to work sifting through the evidence.

Suzuya and Hanbee continued in scanning the area. Suzuya was being just a tad crazier than normal, yelling out, "Hey! Come out! I can _feel_ your eyes! Come out, come out, Eyepatch, Rabbit! I know you're out theeeeeeere! WaHAH!"

Hanbee tried to focus, really he did, but he found himself wondering what the tape would be like. He wondered how the two ghouls, known allies, had fallen into insult-slinging so far as for Rabbit to call Eyepatch king of the idiots.

"Suzuya-senpai, please, you're making a huge fool of us..." Hanbee said, looking around the alleyways. _We're lost, we're hopelessly lost..._ he thought.

"Uh, hi?"

Hanbee whirled around to see a blonde man in a black jacket and green cargo pants standing a few meters behind him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Suzuya screamed, jumping at him with Suzuya's Jason.

"Yiiiiiiiii!" the blonde man shrieked, now out of the way of Suzuya. His hands were up, eyes wide open.

"I'm so sorry for Suzuya... ah, um. Ahem. I'm Hanbee Abara, and this is my superior, Special Class Investigator Suzuya Juuzou. We're from CCG, and we're looking for two ghouls, Rabbit and Eyepatch. Have you seen any figures in black shirts and camouflage pants?" Hanbee said.

The man eyed them for a second, and Hanbee really couldn't blame him after Suzuya's behavior. "I'm Kenji Ieyasu, and no, I haven't seen anyone like you described," said Ieyasu.

"Ah, well! Thank you for your hellllllllpppppp!" Suzuya yelled as he took off again.

"Kenji Ieyasu" pulled out his phone and began texting as soon as the investigators rounded the corner of the alleyway. At first glance, they didn't seem like much, but the crazy one had been introduced as Suzuya. He recognized that name. After he finished texting, he followed the investigators, sure they wouldn't notice him.

Kaneki yawned, and Touka stretched. The two of them had been sifting through evidence for thirty minutes, and now Kaneki's phone vibrated. He pulled it out.

[Hey Suzuya on ur tail where r u]

"What is it?" Touka asked.

"Hide says Suzuya's on us."

"Where?"

"Don't know. I'll ask."

Kaneki texted back [Where's Suzuya?]

A few seconds later the reply came. [Dunno. He's got a lackey and they're heading for the hood.]

[Ok he won't get us. Keep an eye on him though.]

[K]

"Says Suzuya has a minion but they're heading for the fish town." Kaneki told Touka.

"Ah, good. We got time."

Touka and Kaneki resumed their search for the file. Both of them were really beginning to wonder if CCG put out an organization map so newbies knew how to clean this branch.

Arima watched the Mado Squad dissolve into giggles as Rabbit announced the insult contest.

"A-arima," Mutsuki asked quietly. "Is there much more to this?"

"Yes indeed," Arima promised, fully enjoying not being the tech guy.

Shirazu eyed Arima. Arima was sitting there calmly, but Shirazu could _swear_ that Arima was thoroughly enjoying himself. He wasn't speaking, wasn't moving, wasn't even _smiling,_ but Shirazu could practically _feel_ the smugness rolling off of him.

Shirazu wanted to know why.

"Upstairs, in aisle forty! 'S on floor three, cowardly bunny!"

"I wish I had a knife as sharp as your tongue, I'd cut inch-thick steel with it!"

For now, however, Shirazu had a funny video to watch.

Meanwhile, Urie was trying to scrub Shirazu and Saiko's horrifyingly glorious finger painting of Shimoguchi and Akira off the window quietly enough that Akira herself didn't wake up and see the nightmare-inducing picture on her window.

The paint, Urie decided, was the most disgusting shade of purple in existence, and their sense of human anatomy was nonexistent. Of course, considering the way Akira had been portrayed, perhaps Saiko and Shirazu had been trying to make a statement on that point.

Mado stirred, and Urie doubted he had ever been so frightened anyone would wake up in his life.

She snored and rolled over, and Urie let his sigh of relief out silently.

Hide followed Suzuya and Hanbee carefully. Suzuya had been creepy when Hide had followed him to a fight, but now Suzuya was off-kilter and whimsical. Hide didn't know what to make of this, so he decided it was scarier than anything else he'd seen Suzuya do.

The tall, long-haired one -Hanbee- seemed to be trying to convince Suzuya that Kaneki and Touka were lost to them.

Along with whatever job benefits taking one of those ghouls down would bring.

Wait, where _were_ Touka and Kaneki?

Hide

[where r u?]

Ken was about to reply to Hide's newest text when the door to the evidence room burst open. Both ghouls inside the room went white and furiously tugged their coats tighter as Ken shoved the phone away.

Shimoguchi rounded the corner to see both of them standing there, overlarge trench coats brushing the floor.

"You two're newbies, right?"

They nodded mutely.

"Here, take these down to Mado's office. She needs 'em." Shimoguchi turned to leave but was interrupted by Touka.

"W-where's Mado's office?" she asked.

"Down the hall, right at the end. It's the one with the fingerprints on the nameplate, you can't miss it." Shimoguchi left the room and disappeared into the building.

The two ghouls stood there shocked for a few seconds before Kaneki said, "Well, I guess we should take her the papers."

Hide waited for his friend to reply. When, after ten minutes, he realized a reply was not coming, he almost freaked out.

 _Did Suzuya get them...? No, he can't have. Can he? Dammit I need to get ahead of Suzuya and stop him from doing anything..._

 _Wait no, first I need to get Kaneki to reply._

Hide sent another text and then set out to stop Suzuya.

Ken and Touka did indeed find Mado's office.

The door was opened slightly, so they walked in. Inside the dark office they found a cluttered desk with a computer on top, a comfortable-looking chair, and a number of bags piled in a corner. The room was dark because the curtains had been pulled shut, but... wasn't this Mado using it? Why else would there be bags piled in the corner? Maybe Mado had simply gone to the bathroom. Touka walked over and pulled open the window curtains as Ken set the papers on the desk.

Someone was sleeping on the couch, until now unnoticed by the ghouls.

"Oh," Touka said.

"Oh," Kaneki said.

The woman on the couch stirred and continued sleeping.

"Hey, that's that weird window I saw earlier," Ken said, looking at the picture. "Looks like someone tried to clean it. Ah well, I have a picture of the original. Wanna see?"

"Sure," said Touka. Ken pulled up the picture on his phone. Touka snorted.

"Looks like whoever drew this _really_ didn't like the guy that told us to bring those papers here," she smirked.

"Or her," Kaneki said, gesturing at the couch. He closed the curtains again, and the two of them left the room.

Halfway down the hallway, Kaneki walked into a young man.

"Hey! Watch it," the man said, headphones around his neck.

"Oh, I'm sorry..." Ken said, helping the man pick up the paper towels he'd spilled when they collided. Touka decided this must be who cleaned the window and debated in her head which one was more pathetic, Kaneki or this guy as she watched them scramble around on the floor with folded arms.

It was all over in a few minutes and soon enough the two ghouls were sorting through the evidence room again, having completely forgotten Hide.

Hide followed Suzuya and Hanbee onto the subway. He was getting worried for Kaneki and Touka. Hopefully Touka had kept Kaneki from doing anything _too_ stupid.

In the meantime, Hide decided the best thing he could do was make sure Suzuya and Hanbee got back to the CCG office and stayed there.

He texted again.

Almost fifteen minutes after the little adventure at Mado's office, Kaneki and Touka were at it again in the evidence room. Neither one of them could figure out any semblance of an order the evidence had been arranged in, so the two ghouls were now organizing everything they found as they went along.

The door opened again. Welcoming a distraction, they glanced over... only to see white hair, a white coat, and black shoes behind the racks.

Kaneki and Touka hid instead of greeting the Reaper.

For his part, Arima didn't notice the terrified ghouls crouching side-by-side on the other side of the evidence rack. He was annoyed that the tape had been constantly interrupted, and it had taken forty-five minutes to finish instead of the ten it should have. Arima now understood why Mado always looked so frazzled after dealing with these morons.

Arima put the flash drive in its hiding place.

Or tried to, anyway. The glorious hiding place he'd constructed was gone. Someone had been in here organizing things.

Arima stepped back and frowned. This was highly unfortunate. Now the precious tape would need another hiding place so it wouldn't be thrown out. He decided to look around for one.

Kaneki and Touka were very glad Arima had chosen noisy shoes that morning, because if he hadn't they would have been toast.

By the time Arima went around to the other side of the rack, the ghouls had crawled under it and scuttled around another one for good measure. They were now arguing with gestures and expressions.

Kaneki glared and waved a hand in Arima's direction. _We should go._

Touka shook her head, but glanced Arima's way all the same. _No, we just need to be really careful._

Kaneki looked at her like she was crazy. _That is Arima. _

Touka pressed her lips into a thin line and made a circle with her thumb and pointer finger. _Yes. So we hide._

Arima clicked toward them, and Touka and Kaneki hid under another rack. Arima muttered something about 'damn maintenance coming in here messing with everything and moving this shit around' and walked out the door, closing it behind him.

"Okay, _now_ we run," Touka said.

"Just a second," Ken told her trotting over toward the shelf Arima was last standing by. "Here it is! What we were looking for!" He held up the plastic bag with the USB in it.

"What is that?" Touka asked. Kaneki tossed it to her, and she smiled as she looked at what was written on it.

"So the next bit is find a sledgehammer and squash that thing, right?" Kaneki asked as they were walking down the hallway with the USB in Touka's coat pocket.

"I had been planning to use a foot, but I like the way you think, " Touka smiled.

"Sledgehammer it is then," Ken said, glancing around.

" _Heeeyyyyy,_ it's the ones from the video!" Both ghouls whirled in surprise at this, then fled as Shirazu started chasing.

"Whaaah? Hey, yeah, it is!" Saiko said. A second set of footsteps joined Shirazu in his chase.

"Get 'em, Muu-chan!" Saiko yelled.

Hide sighed in relief as Suzuya and Hanbee walked into the CCG building. Now he could text Touka this time.

Arima heard a commotion at the back of the building, and broke off his conversation with the investigator in charge of the office.

"Excuse me, that sounds like the rank 3 investigators I was just in charge of," Arima said.

"It's all right, it's all right, go keep them out of trouble," said the investigator. Arima walked to the stairs, where he looked up and his eyes met one of the strangest things he had ever seen.

Eyepatch and Rabbit were both wearing CCG coats much too big for them to go with their masks. They skidded to a halt at the top of the steps, frozen like Arima, and then all three of them ran- Arima up the steps, Eyepatch and Rabbit continuing down the hall.

Arima slammed into Shirazu and they both fell down the stairs. Mutsuki continued chasing the ghouls. Suzuya walked over to the pile of Arima and Shirazu and asked, "What happened here?"

Urie stepped back to admire his work on the window. _Finally, it's clean._

 _What's all that noise?_

Urie opened the door and walked into the hall.

"Urie! Help!" Mutsuki yelled.

Urie unsheathed his quinque and engaged the two ghouls. They slashed at him halfheartedly, then slipped by him.

"You hold him off! I have the window!" Rabbit called.

Eyepatch fought Urie, hard. Urie found it easy to block- this was not a rinkaku ghoul's element. Urie's main problem was Rabbit, whom he couldn't reach. Urie debated trying to wake Mado, but decided against it in favor of the promotion he'd get if he took them down alone.

"Don't worry, Urie!" Mutsuki gasped. "I'll help!"

"Okay (no you won't)," Urie said, stabbing with his quinque. Instead of retaliating, Eyepatch's kagune wrapped around the quinque and yanked. Urie fell on his nose as Rabbit removed the window and jumped through, followed by Eyepatch. Arima jumped over Urie and sailed out the window.

Mutsuki skidded into the room, then put his hands on his knees and started panting. Urie rolled his eyes. Shirazu ran through, glanced around the room, jumped on the couch to get a good view of what was going on outside, and promptly fell out the window.

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" Shirazu yelled as he fell. This finally woke Mado.

Akira shot up, studied the room, and her eyes turned to frozen daggers. " _What the hell happened to my room?"_

Outside the window, Kaneki and Touka didn't bother fighting. They just ran for their lives.

Arima was gaining on them until Shirazu fell out of the sky in front of him. Arima caught Shirazu, and when he looked up from saving Shirazu neither ghoul was anywhere to be found.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEE!" Arima looked up again.

"Suzuya, you have a cable. I'm not saving you." Arima said. Suzuya used his cable. The three ghoul investigators stood awkwardly in the alley beside the CCG building.

Two alleys down, Hide wondered why people were falling out the side of the CCG building. First it had been two investigators, then it had been an investigator wearing only white, third it had been a civilian clad head to toe in safety orange, and the last he assumed was Suzuya who fell yelling WHEE at the top of his lungs. Hide wondered what was wrong with Suzuya, unaware that Hanbee was wondering the same thing.

Hide was about to text his friends again when he saw them both come running towards him wearing CCG coats with their masks in their hands.

"What the hell happened around here? Why are you guys wearing CCG coats?!" Hide asked.

"Well," Touka breathed heavily, "it's a long story."

"We'll tell you what happened when we get home," Ken said, stuffing his mask into a pocket and unzipping the front of the coat.

"Well then," Hide said, "let's go home."

Once at Cafe :re, the three of them sat in a back room, coats hung up and shoes lined up by the door.

"Okay," Hide said, "so how did _you two_ wind up in CCG coats?"

"Well," Touka started, then glanced at Kaneki. "You wanna tell him?"

"We can both tell him," Kaneki said. "So it starts out that Touka and I saved Nishiki, but Suzuya was there and apparently they wiretapped our phones once-"

"No, no, no," Touka interrupted. "We saved Nishiki's sorry ass, and then Suzuya called you King of the Idiots, and then we were arguing but then Suzuya came along and he was talking to his guy and Suzuya explained that he'd heard me calling you that on a wiretap CCG had, so then we decided we had to go squash that thing like the bug it was-"

"Yeah, and then you wanted to break into CCG through the air vents," Kaneki said.

"Yeah? Your idea was to go through the windows cat-burglar style," Touka said.

"Yes, well, that may not have worked out but I got this funny picture," Ken said, showing them the photo of the painting on the window.

Hide snickered. "Somebody doesn't like their boss," he said. "We should post that."

"CCG would kill us," Touka said.

"I know how to do it untraceably. Continue with this story?" Hide asked.

"Yeah. Okay, so after that, we sneak in the back door, and there are these CCG coats. So we put them on, 'cause it's CCG. Anybody in the back without a coat doesn't belong there, right?" Ken said.

"Exactly. And then he got us directions to the evidence room, where we stayed on looking for this-" Touka held up a USB flash drive "-but couldn't find it for a long while. Then this ugly dude that looked like a frog with lips sent us over to give some investigator files-"

"Is that part really important enough to mention?" Kaneki interrupted.

"Of course it is, that's why you're King of the Idiots. And then-"

"Remember, if I'm king of the idiots you're one of my subjects."

"There are days, Kaneki, there are _days._ Now, as I was saying, that was the room where we found the window graffiti of the guy's face on an _actual_ frog. Along with that lady as a ghoul, which was truly disgusting. Anyway, we got back to the evidence room- and they should thank us, by the way. We actually started organizing that room for them- and we were there for some two minutes before Arima walked in-"

"What'd you guys say to Arima?" Hide interrupted her.

"We didn't. We hid behind the evidence rack and snuck away from him," Kaneki said. At Hide's disappointed look, he added, "What? It was _Arima._ "

"Eh, okay. Keep going."

"So anyway, Arima left the USB behind so we picked it up and started to leave because we had what we came for. On the way out, though, this kid recognized us- Arima must've been showing them the video- and so we ran out, or tried to. It was like, 'Hey! There's the ghouls from the video!' and then 'Oh hey yeah it is!' so they chased us down the hall, and we were about to run downstairs but Arima was at the bottom of the stairs so we couldn't, and he kinda snorted and said 'oh it IS them' and then he came after us so we ran and jumped out the window and we almost died but got lucky and then we ran into you." Kaneki said.

"And now," Touka said, "we just need a sledgehammer for that USB."

"I have a better idea for the USB," said Hide with a crazy grin.

A few days later, Arima was calmly drinking coffee at his desk when a text from Akira appeared on his mobile.

Arima opened it.

Akira

[Hey. There's a picture you should see. Google 'CCG fails Japan, fingerpaint'.]

Arima did as she told him. He stared. Arima couldn't believe his eyes, so he rubbed them vigorously. He looked again.

The picture of a fingerpainting of Akira with a kakuja (a kakuja with many mouths, no less) and Shimoguchi's face on a spotted frog throning on a pile of fecal matter with the frog's tongue lolling from its mouth and its eyes crossed was still there on his screen.

The two figures were framed by excellently painted zentangle designs in red, blue, and black.

Arima glanced out the door of his office, shut it, and laughed his ass off.

Urie didn't know why, but he suddenly felt as though he had royally failed. Saiko and Shirazu felt a similar sense of doom settle on their shoulders.


End file.
